Family

July 8th

Today, I am just tired. I worked 6 hours after not getting any sleep because my youngest daughter was extra tired and didn’t want to sleep because her sister stayed with her dad an extra night since my little one just began her summer reading class today. As soon as I finished working, I made dinner, and I finally got some peace and quiet about an hour ago when the girls fell asleep. My head has been pounding awhile, but other than that, I’m feeling pretty good!

I still need to see my doctor again next week, so hopefully everything goes good and I can fix this chemical imbalance that has caused so much strife in my life. (rhyming is accidental)

Anyway, I would love to hear how everyone celebrated Independence Day! Please comment! I watched fireworks and enjoyed time with my dad and family, and had an awesome long weekend.

I Got You

As it becomes Independence Day, I am so grateful for the life I have. My struggles and experiences are what got me to where I am and gave me the people I have. Thank you.

Normal?

Hey guys. I wanted to share that my best friend and I have been talking and we hung out too! Even through I’ve felt really alone, one day of talking to her made me so happy. I am starting to feel almost normal I guess I can say. I mean I’m never normal, lol, but normal for me. I really love her and would do anything for her, including stalking her on a date one time to make sure she was safe cuz she didn’t respond to my messages 🤣🤣. I really would take a bullet for this woman. My crackajack and sister from another mister, thank you for being there ❤️. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

The Funeral

My aunt Kelly had a beautiful service. I got to see many family I haven’t seen in a long time. There was bouquets of beautiful flowers surrounding beautiful pictures of my beautiful aunt.

We weren’t ready to say goodbye. I will miss you for the rest of my life. Not surprisingly, I didn’t have a friend to show up for support.

I’ve decided that I cant force someone to care back. No matter how much I did to support them, they don’t have to support me back. I have realized I can’t change their mind. I have realized that our friendship is most likely over.

Now I need to accept it. Just like I have to accept my aunt is gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer is not just for addicts.

Another One Bites The Dust

I didn’t title this for my aunt, which also makes sense because in less than a year in 2015-2016 we lost 5 close family members, including my young grandpa, my step- grandmother, my aunt Kristina (all very young) and a cousin to non Hodgkin lymphoma. Unfortunately, today I lost another friend. We’ve been friends for about 3 years, and this one hurts even more.

I feel like whenever I get hit with my depression, people use it against me and kick me while I’m down. When I finally get through this, I hope I have the strength to treat everyone how I’ve been treated.

I’m not good at letting go, especially if friends. It’s a different kind of heartbreak. I’ve always gladly helped my friend whether it was watching their kids overnight they had to go to the er for a mini stroke or trying to help them find a house when they find out they have to move. I gave rides to fix cars or pick up and drop off for repair or service. I’ve gotten up extra early and go out of my way to help whoever I can.

No matter how I treat people, they don’t have to treat me the same way, and I am just realizing how much this truly sucks. When I really need someone to talk to and I look at my phone and go through to see if I can text anyone, and slowly realize nobody will respond anyway.

This is why people kill themselves. When you feel so alone that nobody will even notice if you were gone. Then the people that kill themselves are gone, and these people pretend like they tried to help you. Like they were there for you. “I didn’t know it was that bad” or “they should’ve talked to me, I would have helped”.

No you wouldn’t. No matter how many texts or calls I make, none of them answer. I try to tell people I’m having a hard time and need someone to talk to or need a friend or something. I did it to myself, right? Because I was so stressed and getting so depressed that I stopped working to take care of myself and my children. I tried switching meds around and it hasn’t worked. I only care about myself? No. I know what it’s like when I hit my lows. I’ve been there. I was there for a long time. I cut myself on a daily basis. I stood in the mirror for a minimum of an hour a day telling myself to stop crying.

“Nothing is wrong with you. Why are you even crying? Stop fucking crying!”

Then when it hurts so much that I can’t breathe, I start hyperventilating, and begging God or whatever higher power is out there to make it stop. I just want it to stop hurting.

I felt myself getting there. Now my aunt died in a tragic accident, and it hurts even more. I’m even more alone.

Note: I am not suicidal at this time. I have been in the past, but I am confident that I will not go back to that. I have gotten better at handling it I guess, I may not leave my house even to get groceries (I get them delivered) but I am better. I have learned my triggers and some coping skills.

These days, I have my thoughts and my aloneness. No suicidal thoughts, but a whole lot of darkness. A massive amount of emptiness. I love my kids and my boyfriend and they make me happy every day. However, there are parts of my mind that the happiness they bring do not reach, and cannot reach.

I just wish I had my friends.

Struggle

Today I feel sad and I feel guilty. I don’t even remember the last time I saw my aunt, I believe it was around Easter. She met my boyfriend and asked a bunch of awkward intrusive questions like she always did. We were always really close. I used to go to her house and stay up all night cleaning from top to bottom. I did loads and loads of laundry. I rubbed her back and tried on her shoes. I sat with her during multiple bipolar episodes. She read from the Bible and asked me questions I was too young to understand at the time. I tell everyone I get my crazy from my crazy aunt Kelly, because of the time I spent with her growing up, and my dad never really had mental health issues that I knew of. 6 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar depression (which runs through my family) and I began to understand how she felt. I went with her once to get admitted at the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I played in the padded room and made her laugh from running into the padded wall thinking it wouldn’t hurt. (It hurt a lot!!) I remember pumping the bed all the way up and pushing it to one wall, getting in the bed and pushing the wall to slam into the other wall and do it again because we were in there for awhile to get her admitted. I never got to say goodbye. She was taken way too soon, in a manner that was preventable. I am ashamed of the fire department in her town for failing to respond to the house fire for 15 minutes. Her town actually showed up after a township that is miles away while her towns fire department was watching the bike show going on two streets away. Bystanders took videos of my aunts boyfriend screaming her name for what seemed like hours. The news not only got her age wrong, but also the circumstances of the fire. Then, my cousin (my aunt’s daughter) told me that when the news channels were there, they had asked her to move her car so they could get the shot of her house while it was burning. There are so many reasons to be upset at this world right now, and I am struggling to want to fight. I miss my aunt. She shouldn’t be dead.

Death