I didn’t title this for my aunt, which also makes sense because in less than a year in 2015-2016 we lost 5 close family members, including my young grandpa, my step- grandmother, my aunt Kristina (all very young) and a cousin to non Hodgkin lymphoma. Unfortunately, today I lost another friend. We’ve been friends for about 3 years, and this one hurts even more.

I feel like whenever I get hit with my depression, people use it against me and kick me while I’m down. When I finally get through this, I hope I have the strength to treat everyone how I’ve been treated.

I’m not good at letting go, especially if friends. It’s a different kind of heartbreak. I’ve always gladly helped my friend whether it was watching their kids overnight they had to go to the er for a mini stroke or trying to help them find a house when they find out they have to move. I gave rides to fix cars or pick up and drop off for repair or service. I’ve gotten up extra early and go out of my way to help whoever I can.

No matter how I treat people, they don’t have to treat me the same way, and I am just realizing how much this truly sucks. When I really need someone to talk to and I look at my phone and go through to see if I can text anyone, and slowly realize nobody will respond anyway.

This is why people kill themselves. When you feel so alone that nobody will even notice if you were gone. Then the people that kill themselves are gone, and these people pretend like they tried to help you. Like they were there for you. “I didn’t know it was that bad” or “they should’ve talked to me, I would have helped”.

No you wouldn’t. No matter how many texts or calls I make, none of them answer. I try to tell people I’m having a hard time and need someone to talk to or need a friend or something. I did it to myself, right? Because I was so stressed and getting so depressed that I stopped working to take care of myself and my children. I tried switching meds around and it hasn’t worked. I only care about myself? No. I know what it’s like when I hit my lows. I’ve been there. I was there for a long time. I cut myself on a daily basis. I stood in the mirror for a minimum of an hour a day telling myself to stop crying.

“Nothing is wrong with you. Why are you even crying? Stop fucking crying!”

Then when it hurts so much that I can’t breathe, I start hyperventilating, and begging God or whatever higher power is out there to make it stop. I just want it to stop hurting.

I felt myself getting there. Now my aunt died in a tragic accident, and it hurts even more. I’m even more alone.

Note: I am not suicidal at this time. I have been in the past, but I am confident that I will not go back to that. I have gotten better at handling it I guess, I may not leave my house even to get groceries (I get them delivered) but I am better. I have learned my triggers and some coping skills.

These days, I have my thoughts and my aloneness. No suicidal thoughts, but a whole lot of darkness. A massive amount of emptiness. I love my kids and my boyfriend and they make me happy every day. However, there are parts of my mind that the happiness they bring do not reach, and cannot reach.

I just wish I had my friends.