Struggle

Today I feel sad and I feel guilty. I don’t even remember the last time I saw my aunt, I believe it was around Easter. She met my boyfriend and asked a bunch of awkward intrusive questions like she always did. We were always really close. I used to go to her house and stay up all night cleaning from top to bottom. I did loads and loads of laundry. I rubbed her back and tried on her shoes. I sat with her during multiple bipolar episodes. She read from the Bible and asked me questions I was too young to understand at the time. I tell everyone I get my crazy from my crazy aunt Kelly, because of the time I spent with her growing up, and my dad never really had mental health issues that I knew of. 6 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar depression (which runs through my family) and I began to understand how she felt. I went with her once to get admitted at the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I played in the padded room and made her laugh from running into the padded wall thinking it wouldn’t hurt. (It hurt a lot!!) I remember pumping the bed all the way up and pushing it to one wall, getting in the bed and pushing the wall to slam into the other wall and do it again because we were in there for awhile to get her admitted. I never got to say goodbye. She was taken way too soon, in a manner that was preventable. I am ashamed of the fire department in her town for failing to respond to the house fire for 15 minutes. Her town actually showed up after a township that is miles away while her towns fire department was watching the bike show going on two streets away. Bystanders took videos of my aunts boyfriend screaming her name for what seemed like hours. The news not only got her age wrong, but also the circumstances of the fire. Then, my cousin (my aunt’s daughter) told me that when the news channels were there, they had asked her to move her car so they could get the shot of her house while it was burning. There are so many reasons to be upset at this world right now, and I am struggling to want to fight. I miss my aunt. She shouldn’t be dead.

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