My Problem

This is my problem. I give people my entire friendship, which everyone knows I’m a pretty awesome friend. I always have everyone’s back and always want everyone else to be happy. Even though I know these people don’t care about me like I do them, it physically and emotionally hurts to know that there’s nothing I can do. I think it is a part of my mental health issues. I see a counselor for the first time next week, but I want some input from other people who have felt this. I honestly think I seek the approval of everyone around me. When I was little, no matter how good my grads were, my parents were focused on my trouble maker brother. My dad got temporary custody of him when he got expelled from our school and all I wanted when I was in school was to live with my dad. I was upset because he wouldn’t fight for me and at my mom because she wouldn’t listen to me. She didn’t know that I cried all the time or barely had friends or got picked on in school. I remember when “popular girls” told me I could be popular if I stop being friends with this other girl that had freckles and curly red hair. They thought she was uglier than me. She never talked to me again and I still wasn’t popular, so then I was friendless. This was 3rd grade. I finally had a friend in 6-7th grade, but I had to move before I started 8th. Then I went to an even bigger school full of rich kids. I was a poor weirdo that wore clothes from Walmart and thrift shops while literally everyone I went to school with had fancy clothes and money to do things. When I started working at 15 I was able to buy myself a car. I got a 1993 Dodge Dakota, you know, the kind of car that had 2 keys: one for the ignition and one for the doors. My best friends dad bought her a 3 year old Ford Focus. It’s not that I wanted to have fancy things, because believe me, I am grateful that when I graduated and got pregnant that I knew how to take care of myself while there are still people I went to school with that don’t know how to do their taxes. I was more upset that it hindered me from having an enjoyable childhood because all of my friends would go out every weekend to a movie or sledding. I didn’t get to go very often and when I did I felt like the odd one out. I didn’t have a cool nick name or someone to pick me as their partner in every class. My dog was who I talked to most because even my best friend didn’t and still to this day doesn’t know what it was like to feel so alone for so much of your life. Here I am 8 years after graduating and I’m still struggling to seek approval from everyone. My friends, the people who let me think we were friends and pretend to care but then you hear what they say when you’re not there and I’m too old for this shit. I am not going to fight for friends.

Now that being said, making myself remember that I shouldn’t seek their approval is a whole other story. Someone tell me I’m not as alone as I think I am!

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